selfishness

All the people in the world have their own selfishness. Selfishness for themselves or selfishness for other people, whom they care about. However, some selfish people can be really disgusting and grotesque at times. The kind of selfishness that I'm trying to make is not only based on material needs but also emotional and mental. I see this world right now really stupid and wonder if this is really happening or what the hell is wrong with the bastards. I have already come to realize that survival is an instinct where the strong eats the weak. In this sense, the concept of justice is no more than an irony that goes against human instinct. What a bad joke. It was always ironic to say that morality was the highest value that humans can have. How can we go against our own instinct? The point I'm trying to make is that humans are such dirty creatures that only seeks its own survival and selfishness is their primary weapon used during this fight for survival.

Finding peace

I've been wondering what could possibly be the reason for my blog entry always being as short as a Dwarf. Perhaps my synapse had acted negligibly for my whole life or other possibilities are probably me being lazy, or just there's nothing I can possibly write on my blog. So I see other's blog and see what they write. I've started off with Korean blog but their entries are just like 2 or 3 lines and they are just about silly things. I've then tried some English blogs and some of them are quite colorful and long. Their entries were mostly about their lives, or about the troubles of people who they care about and convince the readers to give sympathy on those people and lot more but I think I could make my point. It was simply personal things. Other things that I don't know are that one, I also write personal stuffs, and two, my blog is quite colorful(I think). But I came to more questions such as, why am I even asking these questions? Who cares if I write a short or long blogs? Why do I even care to write these things? What is all these bullshits? Why do I have to think about all these? Why the hell do I have to keep worrying? Why in the goddamn world should I pay my damn attention to anything at all? Why am I asking for reasons for everything? Why do I ask even though I know that somethings are better left unknown? Why do I even live? What purpose do I serve in this world? I have so many questions left but I think I've made my point clear. I keep thinking and worrying even though I know that thinking about those things are meaningless. Also I have come to notice that the number of things to think has been mushrooming ever since I came to this stinking shit hole. This damned country, the whole world seems like my nemesis and this is just basically madness to think everything is going against me. I know not everything can go as I've thought as, but I really am coming to think that the world is against me, again. Or could it be me going against the will of the world? I have no idea. It's just been too hard to find any peace in me these days. I couldn't talk to anyone about my problems and I really am stressed from those non-stop studying for past few weeks and also frustrated with things that I question and this unknown emotion that I feel. Peace in my mind seems so far away from reality. If this keeps on going, I'll become crazy, or become lost again. Help... If this is too much,then you may ignore this whole thing and pretend as if nothing happened. That's what people do right? Forgetting things or pretend as if they don't know a thing... 

Vacation, almost over!

Summer vacation is coming to an end. But it almost seems like I had no vacation at all... Going to Korea was one thing I hoped it to be relaxing, but went there to just study all day long while others were playing 'Diablo 3'. And again came back here to this bloody third world country and studied again while others are lying down on a couch relaxing as the summer breeze passed. Damn... Well, they never said I would have relaxation during vacation so I guess I can't complain...

It's been quite a while eh?

It's truly been quite a while since the time I last updated my blog. Yes, I've been to Korea, my mother nation and a place where I didn't want to go. I've been to Korea to get some upgrades. For your information, the term upgrade means the upgrade in my intellect. Now my goal until 2013 January is to be a being of pure intellect and knowledge. Back to the original idea. I was too busy to write my blog ever since I've gone to Korea, my mother nation. I had to prepare myself for TOEFL, and the upcoming chemistry challenge which really doesn't interest me a lot. I really have to study now people. Don't wish me luck because luck is one of the skill that one must acquire and also don't pray for me because I will do much less if you pray for me. Until next time then

Someone please just shoot a bullet straight through my brain

Sometimes I don't understand why I even live. I don't want  anything... I think... I desire not really much of anything. I don't really have to live anymore... I don't want anything... I want nothing and yet I say no to death. That's my current situation. I've built up so much for just dying. If I die, I will leave so many things behind. My responsibilities, my everything that has been around me. I do not possess things. They are just there... Around me. I just want to let it all go. I was concerned about the things that I am going to leave behind, but now I don't care anymore... Just shoot a bullet straight through my brain that way I will not live anymore. The reason why people are afraid of dying is because they are afraid of leaving things that they've built until now and another reason is that they are afraid of what will happen to their consciousness once they are dead or whether they will go to heaven and prosper or go to hell and live in torment again. But please, I don't believe in afterlife. Just fucking shoot me or I shoot you.

The flying chance

Over many generations, humans wanted to fly. Then, only a century ago, humans were able to build a flying machine that could fly by itself. Of course there were many flying machine attempts but they were not self-sustaining and needed and external help such as hot air to lift the machine. or a wind that could carry the machine to certain direction. But I sometimes wish humans develop wings on their back to fly freely around. It will be hard but I think it is worth it. If they couldn't develop a pair of wings by ourselves, then the help of biology will help us get them. So Jerry! Give me a pair of Wings when you become a Biology major!

Last chance... no not really

It's finally the final exam tomorrow. It really is going to suck ass if it was really hard but at least it will pull up my grades... no not really. Actually the things that pulls my grade up is those damn projects and homework. It is like 60 percent of overall points. I really don't like it. Then why do we give a damn about the damn quarter exam? of course it gives highest score among the other stuffs that is considered as grades. They are like 30 percent of everything in one shot. You know what they say about life. Life is a single shot. It takes only a single shot to succeed and screw in life. I guess the school is the place that teaches us that very directly.

going back to korea

Why do I have to go to Korea ah! I don't want to go to that hell where people tell me to study all day long and where there's no fun things to do! I seldom, very few a time, get what I want. I really don't want to go there... It is my home country and place where I was born, but I think I deserve a little... I mean a lot of rests for my hard works and stuff. Going back to Korea would mean vacation for other koreans but it is just studying in hell.

Pictures and Fieldtrip

These are some of the pictures taken during the field trip. It seems like we had our fun and stuff.... well in the last picture, my hand looks like a pack-man! HAHAHA... give me more food John!!!

Final quarterly exam

It's finally over! It's already time to answer all the quarterly exam and leave the school for next 2 months! Holy shit this year was such hell. I think I will just take the exam, get my report card and take my leave. Final quarterly exam... fuck ya! HAHAHA!!!!

What if the Zombies had intelligence?

If zombies had intelligence, it would cause a lot of trouble... First, they would not accept normal food that non-zombified people would eat but they would rather crave for human flesh because their body's already turned in to monsters that eats human. More, when they are to be subjected by laws, they are not considered humans, literally because they are now known as the zombies. They have to make all new laws for zombies and some conditions to control their actions and that will certainly take some times. Also, there's going to be a racism between humans and zombies. Try to imagine people with no faces, or jaw completely taken out, or their intestines almost coming out of their stomach will walk around the streets, dripping bloods all around the streets and there will be people vomiting on the streets. I think I would really want to stay away from those kind of people. However, since zombies have intelligence, they will be revolting against the discriminating government and people. Some countries, such as Russia will use some violent police force to drive them out of the country or segregate them in a closed area. At first, they will act as if they are going to take care of the zombies but as time goes by, people will make a decision that zombies are a pest to the society and make false information that are entirely discriminating and real falsified record which doesn't really exist or totally exaggerated. Of course zombies will make some troubles even if they have the intelligence but isn't this action just like killing of Jews during the second world war in the concentration camp? Think about it. Haven't humans been doing this shit for centuries to hide their incompleteness? Especially the Christians will say zombies are an abomination, they are unholy, blasphemy blah blah blah blah blah blah. Their religion talks about those stuffs about only god being the almighty and only Jesus had the power to be brought back to life and stuff. Well that really is getting on my nerves and now I have to go because I'm about to be zombified by the pressure of the quarter exam.

indoctrination, education...

To indoctrinate means the same thing as to educate in literal meaning but indoctrination has a behind meaning that is the closest in meaning with brainwashing people with another, mostly false, information. It differs with education because education is really far from brainwashing people. To education is seeking for facts and truths, and what is not. While indoctrination is influencing people to believe in facts that are backed up only with opinions. That's what the internet had to say about the difference between indoctrination and education. Yes I do agree with this idea and indoctrination is bad. Hitler used it to make people believe that Jew is a race with pseudo-scientific research. The whole Germany became racists and the whole concentration camp and ghetto shit came to existence. Indoctrination is meaningless if someone is looking for truths and facts. 

Child taught to obey or conform... Is it really that important? Humans are made to break the rules and change them to make the world better or worse. The nature of human being is that they can never absolutely follow the rule or law. We always strive for comfort and break the rules. The reason why the rules are made was to bring comfort and order in the society. People should learn to follow these rules so that the society will remain peaceful. But has the world been ever at peace? Numbers, numbers, numbers... These are the things that brought idea of order and chaos. Some, people like Niccolo Machiavelli or other Chinese philosophers that I know in Korean but do not know how English says it, says that laws set by humans must always be absolutely processed even using brute force if necessary. This is called the blind obedience. Anything human made is imperfect and law and constitutions are also made by humans which is not perfect as well. That means that at least one of the laws will create chaos that they never meant to create or some people will find a way around it. Obedience is necessary only if it's reasonable and tolerable to society. Following the law unquestioningly will always cause problems. The same goes for those Nazi soldiers and supporters. Following the rule blindingly like a goddamn machine... They have no heart they have no mercy for Jewish life... If they were humans, they should at least think once in their life the value of every life on Earth. The rule tells them to kill and they kill. How pathetic and despicable.

meaningless

Meaningless they are. The things that we live for is meaningless to some others. Very unpleasant this is. To be ignored the values of life. unpleasant and very disappointing indeed. Yes perhaps I have ignored some people's value of life. I would deeply regret that and if I were to list down everything that I regret would cost me a life. Abandoned, meaningless things are. Does it mean that regrets must be abandoned as well? People say that regretting is meaningless and look forward to a brighter future. How could one possibly want a bright future when his life is full of regrets and depression? He has lost the value to his life and is standing at the edge of the cliff and wants to break his own body. He has lost the will to turn back and go to the other way for the mountain top where no one has yet to come back to tell what's up on the mountain. He can not stop. Stopping has become meaningless to everybody's thoughts and everybody's thought has polluted his thoughts as well. Everyone is pushing him to move forward without knowing where he's headed. He will fall off the cliff and be free from the manacles of life that has tortured him for so many years. However the freedom has become meaningless to this man and so did moving on with the shackles. He thinks and thinks again for what is a thing that is meaningful but he can not find any. Ah what have we done? We have killed him at last. His head broken down into pieces by the boulders of memories and heart torn apart by regrets of his life. Oh how I  remember what he used to tell me.

"The life will also be the death of me."

Science is fun, but there are some factors that makes it bad

Science... Of course there are many things that could be called as part of the science, however what I'm talking about is natural science and more specifically, chemistry. Chemistry, when children hear the word chemistry, they imagine the science lab with so many dangerous chemicals. However chemistry is not always related to bubbling chemicals but solving and balancing chemical equations that doesn't make sense if put in the sense of mathematics. It really is a damn shit if the teacher is not teaching his/her students properly. Well that's what really is happening in my world of science. What about you?

"Educational" Field Trip

The "Educational" Field Trip was fun and educational. The students learned that the wall climbing was nothing but a simple thing. They just had to listen to the instructors which they were not capable of during that time. They had also learned the ways in how to throw people in to the water with force. The student did not need any instructors to teach them how to throw a person into the water. However this "educational" field trip was not such a disaster and it was, said by many others and based on the analysis of the satisfaction level of the students, great and would want this kind of thing once again. Well I was hoping much of the same thing that made my endothermic body temperature to lower, and caught a cold that had also distracted me from the musical beats and rhythms. Oh how I would love to go to field trip again.

Irony

In life, there are so many ironies. So many that I can't list them all. For example, breathing is easiest thing to do but it is the most essential process in the human body system to sustain life. Well, I really have to stop writing fancy and this is also an irony too. I plan to do it, but I don't. Today, I'm going to talk about the irony behind studying which everyone who lives in our world feels very boring and uninteresting. First, they say studying is a very easy task, however they also say that studying is also very hard task to do which really makes one feel really exhausted and wasted. It really is not making sense. How is it easy when it is making people feel very exhausted and wasted? Or maybe I'm just not in the modern world yet.Will Someone please tell me when easy became the new hard? Of course for me studying is really hard task and it's never been easy. They say that studying hard will make the future life very enjoyable and yet they tell us to enjoy the life. Maybe it means that enjoy life as in general which makes the present life very boring and annoying and make the future life very enjoyable that the boredom which I took before will be way less than the future fun. In other words, take 50 boredom now and take more than just 50 fun in the future so that you can say that you've "generally" enjoyed your life. How could I say I enjoyed it when supposedly the best part of my life has become the worst, boring part of my life? I doubt that I'd say I enjoyed my life if I lived like that doing nothing but studying for the rest of my childhood and adolescence. The irony in studying is really countless and I'd love to not hear the rest of them.

Prom

Last April 19Th 2012, at Acacia hotel, MIT held their third Junior Senior Promenade with the theme of 'Amplified'. The hotel was very nice, enough to fit everyone and having a very nice lighting was most admirable. There was a very little irony there with the theme of the promenade and the sound systems. They had a very bad amplifier that made a very strange sounds and the grade 9's performance was very funny and not very amplified in terms of sounds. Well let's cut this stupid critical bullshit. I think the prom went really well and it was a moment to keep for ourselves. I really do not understand why John was so disappointed about this prom but I could have actually seen that the SCB really put their effort in to it. I am so looking forward to next prom.

The sixth sense

We humans have five senses in general. The sense of smell, the sense of taste, the sense of sight, the sense of touch, the sense of hearing. These senses are all very essential to the life of every human being in the world. Imagine yourself not acquiring one of the senses. It is very disturbing indeed. However, in order for someone to become a individual in the society and finally be acknowledged as a person, we need the sixth sense. The sixth sense is called as the common sense. Of course, this is very obvious and in what way genius because we never thought of the sixth sense this way. By the impact of the movie, the sixth sense, we think of the sixth sense as the senses that can spot ghosts or something supernatural. However, there are lots of other senses in the world we might also need in order to survive this world. One example is humor sense which I failed to obtain. I think the people should be very much aware of these senses and put uses in to them because some people does not have one such as Tom Noh in 9B class of MITIS.

Tips on what to do when you are home alone

These are the tips on what you may do to relinquish your boredom when you are at home alone.

Tip 1. After coming finishing School, do your homework right away.
Tip 2. Do not turn on your computer or laptop until your work is done
Tip 3. After finishing your homework, try not to sleep unless you are a college student.
Tip 4. If ever you are a college student, tips I'm giving you is not applicable. So I recommend you just get out of this blog right now.
Tip 5. If ever you are an adult with a job , you don't need this shit so press the x mark on the upper right part of your desktop.
Tip 6. Look at your room
Tip 7. If messy, clean it. Now
Tip 8. When you are done cleaning your room, clean the whole house.
Tip 9. When you are done with cleaning your house, do not grab a cigarette and smoke but try the shower.
Tip 10. It will be about dinner after doing all those stuffs so eat. You can't cook like your mother can, so get out of the house and buy something to eat. You don't have some money with you? It's okay. Just go over to your friend's house and have dinner with them. But you must get your friend's permission first.
Tip 11. Try to play with your friend. If he or she is not done with the homework, show yours.
Tip 12. Go back to your house by 9 O'clock.
Tip 13. Now, turn on your computer and play games.
Tip 14. If you are not into playing games, just go in front of the TV, and watch some news, dramas, or anything that will please you.
Tip 15. If you are not also pleased by watching TV, the last option is that you go out of your house again and run around your village until you are totally exhausted.
Tip 16. It will be almost time for you to go to bed by then. So now you sleep.

(as mentioned at Tip 4 and 5, Adults and college students are not affected by doing these tips and you know it very well yourself and if you have read through everything, then it's either you are a jobless adult or Ms.Mae)

These tips comes from my own experience of self living.
good night people!

Prom!!!

Prom is on next week Thursday... Already!

I knew that starting this year I'm going to experience it and I thought I would be kinda ready for it or something but I was most definitely wrong. I don't have a date and worse, I don't even have a suit. I'd better start looking for one and I can't afford to have any date neither in school nor out school. It would be a waste of money if I didn't go there at all and what else can I do there?

....

From April 4 to April 6, I went to an outreach with my church people for it was an activity from the church. I didn't want to go there at first because it would be tiring, I have to do my undone homework, I need to work on my Social Studies project and I still need to practice my guitar. I still went there even though I didn't want to. I was helping people like giving them clothes, playing with them, and sharing foods with them but fuck!!! why the hell did they have to live so far away! I had to go over several mountains to get to them and took us 4 to 5 hours to get there! I got a lot of sun burns and I've lost a lot of weight. If I got anything from this experience, that would be knowledge for survival in crucial conditions of the mountains. I ate food with my bare hand, not enough water supply, no electricity. Can you even imagine walking more than 15 kilometers? Wow... I can't even believe it myself that I've done that thing... Right now my skin is burning... I wonder Jesus walked for more than 15 kilometers and carried a bag that weighed more than 10 kilograms... I wonder... It was not a pleasant experience but very memorable and somehow helpful.

March ends tomorrow night

Finally, the month of March ends tomorrow night. How exciting for the little kids. They grow older by a bit and for the adults... well let's just say they won't really be happy... Me? well, I've got nothing to say but I can't really say that I'm exactly happy. Surely, March last year was so much good for me, but you know what they say... What used to be the happiest memory could be the most miserable memory. When ever I think about coming April... I just can't speak a word. Every breath becomes painful and it sucks to feel this way. It's like I'm in a room filled with poison. I can't escape, the time is my only chance to get out of the misery... Ah... I hate pain, especially the pain in the heart. First I thought I just had physically weak heart, but it wasn't. It was indeed weak, but the amount of coldness it can take was a little amount.

God or People?

I've been questioning the existence of god for so many years and came to an answer why I'm questioning god. I actually wanted to believe god. However, people around me who says they are catholic or christian do something that are really unacceptable for even for the ones with no religion at all. That is why the world is getting screwed like this. I was afraid that I would live like them, not really disobeying the rules and doing something that are useless to the society, if I say that I believe in god. I really hate lying to others and further more, myself. I'd be lying if I'm a christian and I do those things that are unacceptable to the society. The problem was always the people not god. If god had anything to do with my questioning of him is that he made me live in the world there are full of chaos and grief. People are the ones causing the trouble. If god was the one who intended it all, then he would not be called the all forgiving.

To be honest, don't you think people making games amazing?

Seriously, I mean really, I think people making game is really intellectual, creative, and artistic individuals. See how they managed to make the game world controllable to every single player. To explain the game people's creativeness and intelligence, I first need to tell how they make games. First they think about how the game will go and the story for the game. It requires a lot of intelligence and creativity for the world of game is sometimes way beyond people's imaginations. For some games, lots of novelists gets awed and wants themselves to be taken by the game. That's why lots of novelists who published fictional novels are scouted to the game company and I don't need to explain to people that the novelists are talented individuals. After the planning of the game, the game goes through concept art design and game character design.  These are the example of the game illustrations.





And the concept arts.






after the game character and world design, they need to make it move. If you've used the word pad to make a webpage, it's the same principle. They type the codes in the word pad and they will save it as some other file name that only the game will understand and make it move as wanted. They set the items, character actions and NPC's (non-playing character) behavior. A famous game known for various NPC behavior is the Elder's Scroll's series, the most recent Elder's Scroll series is Skyrim. Where all the quests vary from time to time and when you do some actions against the rule, you will also go to jail. Just by explaining how game is made, we can see that the game producers are very intellectual and artistic indeed. We must keep on supporting game corporation and develop the game life until it gets better and better.

That's why if I have a chance, I want to be part of the game producing team.

Playfest

So the playfest is over...
wait, I wrote about it just yesterday and why am I writing it again?
well of course Ms.Mae asked the whole class to make a blog entry and put some pictures about it so here goes

Finally, It's over!

Finally, everything that we have been working for is over! Yes! I feel so unburdened! Well done everybody, well done! Even though I screwed up a little, well, Ms.Mae said We should not be blaming anyone so... We are cool right guys?.... guys...?

(beating sound)

Okay... 

I might have screwed up a lot but come on man, let's be cool for few days!

"sure man, we'll beat you up after few days."

ummm... Fuck you all guys.

but before I go and you guys beat me up,

Who was the one who found most of the sounds?

Who changed the sound plans just before the play?

Who wrote the play?

Who ran all day just to make the play a little better?

well I'm just asking man.

What are we going to do! (feat. Panic mode)

I still don't get why we are still not yet prepared for the playfest yeah-
uh huh~ yeah no, what? what are we going to do?
where am I, who am I, Who are you people!
just fuck shit up because I'm about to start a riot!
A riot!!!

uh yeah this is panic time, which I have never got.
It's time for you to freak out
It's time for you to screaaaam!

I still don't know what the F I must do yo!
we are gonna get fuck shit up and I'm really gonna start a riot!
a Riot!

I'm telling you It's time for you to panic!
yeah you suck!

Well What am I going to do?



well that was the song written by me and it was featuring a guy named Panic mode.
ah... so fucked up man...
what are we going to do!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!

Another lie fills another day and so on and so forth

In the world we live, there has always been a lie that has been made up by people and sometimes it can really turn the world around. Well that is a serious shit. Lie is what makes the world go around? Wow, that is just so screwed up isn't it? So... the truth is not very important is it? Whatever, I expected nothing from those people and myself. They say there are lies that are good, but the truth is actually what's going to come for them in this case. Never has a world seen a people who was so generous and honest as Jesus Christ, although I don't really know he really was an existing man and stuff, and has the world been so caring about what the world is truly going on. The truth is always so vague and hidden away. Such as Americans believing that Afghanistan people likes American. Well that's a lot of bullshit... They are not doing anything serious for the sake of their sorry ass and those people really require help. Well something like this is the truth and we are always inconsiderate about the truth and believe the lie that was told to them was actually the truth. It is always lies that fills the world each and everyday. This is such a fucked up situation but what's more important is the insight to see the truth.

Church really does not help

The church is where people, specifically people so called Christians, gather and the priest, or pastor makes them believe in Jesus Christ or there Lord. And since there are lots of people in that place, it would also seem that it would be a good place to begin a meeting with people, but my thought was horribly wrong and was so unhelpful for my health as well. I used up my health to listen to the boring voices of the pastor which makes me fall asleep. Everyone doesn't talk even after the mass is over... How boring is it to go there! Ah! It is no good... I'm not even a christian and I am even forced to go there, I have no choice, even if I refuse to go, they will get mad at me and start dragging me there, they bring up things that I don't want to do and then what....

What would I be without you?

Ah love... The most abused word that arouses all kinds of emotions. It calls for happiness, it arouses anger, jealousy, envy, dilution, screwed up thoughts etc. But what would the world be without that simple word 'love'? Well, people maybe would have thought of a nice replacement for the word because humans are smart. However, it might also lead to extinction because people wouldn't have any ways to excuse themselves from desire for sex in a sound and romantic way. Well you can't just say "I want to have sex with you" can they? No that's very improper. However the culture may change that being frank about wanting for that "something" is very romantic. So I guess the word "love" doesn't mean that much to people. They abuse the word. I love you, I love you... I hear that everyday of my life and I am tired of hearing those lies.

Ummm... what am I doing...?

I was playing Assassin's Creed 2 (which was out about more than 3 years ago) and now I'm  writing my blog. Well, I guess it's time for me to re-think about my past lives. First of all, I'm the eldest child in my family and the first grandson of my grandparents... Which means I get high expectations from my family members and sometimes pressured by it. Also I have a very sensitive mind that I get easily hurt like last time I broke up with a girl ended in disaster. I lost my appetite for more than 3 months, I still had to keep my grades higher than before and I still needed to concentrate on many things that required a lot of mental and physical energy. Well what do I get from all those? Obviously it's stress. A huge amount of stress. That got me so far to say that I've started to think that I should end my life at the moment. The part that I got in a conflict was the sense of responsibilities and world wide crisis. I had the responsibilities to do my duties as a human being, as a son and as a goddamn student. And the world doesn't really need many people right now because the more people there is, the higher the level of competition. Now from that point, I thought, 'Why do I even have to live since the world doesn't really need me?' kind of shits. On the other hand I thought I should live up to what other people demands. Keeping other's demand was what drove to live at that time so it was a very difficult dilemma for me. It was always about others for me wasn't it? Trying to give people what they want, which is only high grades, not getting into any troubles? Well that certainly went well and still they are not satisfied. So now what? Whatever I'd tell them to fuck themselves since you are never satisfied. It was such a hard time indeed. After the hard times, I told the world this,"Whatever, go fuck yourself. I don't care what you become. You just can't stop fucking yourself can't you? Well that's too bad because you are the world that is full of assholes with no dicks between their legs." and now, I am not living at all. It's just me tic-toking like a toy trying my best to make people happy which they will never gain from me.

What to do... what to do...

Now... what to do? Oh that's right... I got to study like always...

Living is not living

Every people on earth would probably be living for something. Their goals, achievements, past, future, present and another more either acceptable or unacceptable reasons are why people are even living on this world. But I came to doubt what am I living by and my answer was that I was living for the duty not because I really want to. I can't even kill myself because I know that I can live like this because of the very slim chance, which the probability is even less than thousand billions to one. I'm living a way better life than the majority of the people in Africa and if I die, that would be too selfish. I think even this kind of thought that I want to die is already deserves a criticism for those other people. But what is life without any purpose and living not for myself but others? I am not satisfied with my life and I can't even fully fulfill my duty. If I was fulfilling my duty which I was living for, I would be the happiest man on earth because i have reached the purpose of my life but now I finally realize that a person that can fulfill my duty was a god. Almighty and all-knowing god can fulfill any tasks and do anything. I am not a god but just a mere human with too many flaws and my death wouldn't even be that evident in the world. Then why did I come through all those slim chances? Nothing is impossible? Well, fuck that. No one can be a god even after the end of time, no one can be god. And me... what am I? Do I have power to influence people? Do I have the knowledge or the means to work the world? The answers are no. Clearly no. It really sounds pathetic myself but it really is how the shit has been going for so long.

people around

The doubt sometimes makes people go crazy. And when that happens it's hard for someone to rely on anyone even themselves. However, there are people around them, who makes them laugh when they lost meaning to it all, they give the reason to live. It took me so much time to figure that out. We live not only for ourselves but also with other people who believes in us and we are meant to be a reason to live for them. The only thing that was about ourselves was breathing. Even studying, we do it ultimately for other people who are in need and who love us. Though I'm not sure if they really love us. But I believe if we love them enough, they will give us the love we deserve.

wait... those things I've written are so unlike me...
when did I become we?
when did someone ever love us?
when will someone ever love us?
when did i start believing in mankind?

Yes I am changing and growing.
Although it feels like it was too late to figure these out.

Everybody's rushing!

End of the 3rd quarter is approaching, in fact, it is only about three days left. It means that all the projects are at its deadlines. It really is hard to cram and everybody needs to prepare for the quarterly exam. However, I can relax about math because it always was a easy subject for me and further more, I'm exempted from the quarterly exam due to our competition in MTAP. Now, most of the projects are done and i just need to study for my most difficult subject, Social studies! For Science, I just need a calculator and that's it. However Social studies, it requires a lot of memorization and concepts of many ideas. I don't have problems in interpreting ideas but memorization is my real problem. It really is getting hard for me to memorize something. At least in math, if your base is tight, you can figure out so many things by just learning one thing. Social studies... I will get more than 90 percent with you! HAHAHAHAHA! World domination!!!

Stop being greedy for power people!

Greediness... It is one of the factors that drove mankind this far and also the factor that destroys people's morality. It's so ironic that people wants to do those things even though they know that it isn't the right thing to do. From this some may say that people's desire beats people's morality. For power, they will do anything regardless of how evil what they do. That's what I used to believe and there's no doubt about this belief. But if we get powerful enough to overcome this greed for power, won't the world be a better place to live?

Another quarter exam

It only feels like yesterday that the 3rd quarter started and yet, the quarterly exam is already just a few steps more... Ah to be frank, I dislike studying on my own. I just don't like sitting on a chair all alone and answer problems. What fun is that? I really got to study for the quarterly exam, but it seems like my bad habit isn't going to just walk away on its own.

Well some people just need to win all the time don't they?

I see some people arguing or trying to persuade me. No matter how hard I try, to deny their ideas, they need to just keep on saying the same thing with the reasons I just simply can't accept. Maybe it's just that they have this duty to persuade people to believe what they believe. If that is so, they should go to church and be a pastor or a priest. Well they always persuade people to believe Christianity or make them believe that there actually is hell or heaven as if they've really been there. Well people just need to persuade others don't they? To be frank, I really hate those kind of people who tries to suppress other's ideas and make them believe what they want others to believe. Not knowing that it was the idea that led people in to the ways of slavery that everybody thinks wrong right now. So what I'm saying is that we need to understand what others are believing and respect it. Okay, they don't believe in Christ, let them be. If they believe in Christ, Let them be. Let them believe what they want to believe. Is it so hard?

Summing up the week's events....

This week was supposed to be a happy and celebrating week and it was... partially...
To think about it, It's all my fault that everything went up to this level. Monday was fine, Tuesday was okay... but Wednesday, a day before Tom Noh's birthday, I screwed up and made everybody screwed. I blame myself for this. I can't say anything if someone said it was all my fault that this week was screwed week for them. Damn... well eventually it got better and I still feel bad about it but I'm sure I'll get over it. So this week, I've learned many things that I can't really share to public and it was very meaningful. So have a great weekend to all!

My responsibilities

I have my freedoms, and I know that I must oblige to my duties and responsibilities. Yes, I enjoy my freedoms and I remind myself to oblige to the consequences. One day, I started to forget what I was doing was consequences for my freedom. Today, I finally got to remember that there was no absolute freedom and absolute responsibilities. My screwed up ideas made me incapable of understanding anything, more over, myself. I didn't understand why I was thinking this way where I am thinking the other way around now. I started to forget my responsibilities and it was harder because I know that in my head that I should not be doing it but my heart says that it was okay for me to break some rules and be a loser that I always hated. It really sucks and by now I may be really be screwed up by now and I really hate myself. Without knowing, I had turned out to be a loser that developed some useless self-defense instinct to get away and brainwashing myself that I did nothing wrong it was the world that was wrong. I never blamed myself, I always blamed other people so that I won't get in trouble like those losers in our school that always getting involved in some bad things but no one knows it and cares about it so they blame the system and the world itself. Little do they know that it was only them who was wrong and not others. Only now that I realize that I was just like them. And I also remember now that I have written some things like this so many times in my life and never made any changes in me, so I'm not going to say I'll change because I don't want to lie to myself and to others. I'm not also going to say something so reptilian as I never said I won't change. For I'm really unable to believe all other people including myself that I'm not lying. I'm also wondering if my responsibility is not to get mad at something because I have been doing that for very long time and I'm keeping everything inside me and just waiting for it to calm down when I'm doing something else. Is it really my responsibility to think about all these things so that it won't be a bother to other people? Is keep doubting really going to help? Is my responsibilities really enough to cover up my freedom? I don't know... I keep doubting, I can't trust people including myself, I don't know what to do, and I feel so sorry that I was even living without any thoughts of responsibilities and duty in my mind. Tell me what is right or what is wrong because I can't judge anything right now and I'm really starting to lose my mind.

Need for changes

Somebody has told me this. You are not the one who is wrong, but it's the world that is wrong. When I was young I didn't believe it, but after about 2 years, I finally understand what it means. It meant that I'm always the same person but the world these days changes almost every seconds. A new trends changes in to fads in a matter of days and a good music gets a bad ratings when the trend is over. I don't know how others will accept it or interpret it, but that's what I believe. However changing is meaningful because there are good sides and bad sides. The good sides of changing is change of things, inanimate object, that was really really bad, for examples, policy about the poor people or the rocky road renovated to a new clean road. The bad sides of change is change in personality and other changes about animate things such as people's emotions or ideas. The changes of ideas makes people really different, makes others really hard to adjust. This change might even cause to extreme disasters which can leave incense feelings to all other people. So, my question is, why were you changed? It was so hard to believe it that I thought I changed to look at you in that way. But I'm still the same and it turns out that you have changed. Does it mean that I need to change in order to see you in a way i saw you before? Then perhaps i need a change of my life.

Persecution

The weekend is near once again and at least I was able to achieve something even though not many people will recognize it and will even say that was so stupid of me and stuff, I know I've achieved something. I was able to go until the second round 4th place. However, only until 3rd place was accepted as qualifiers for the next round. It was such a shame and good experience. The sad thing about not winning the competition is that even though I study really hard and bring my brains to the limit, if I don't win, no one will ever recognize my hard work and even curse me for not winning the competition. Seriously, they don't have the right to tell me those things. Surely I was the one who failed to achieve victory in the competition, but they say it like it doesn't really require much work and that makes me so irritated. At least I can say thank you when they say "It's okay let's hope to win next time".
They have no right to curse me at all. If I suck that much, you should go to the competition and be the winner yourself. Well, I guess that's life. People stepping on another people to feel good about themselves and be the top in the end. And I really hate sunday if you know what I mean Ms.Mae!

You'll never be mine but...

You don't know me. You only know that I exist on this earth and my name. You don't understand how much I love you and care for you but you'll never be mine. You won't even be able to see me and I won't be even if I'm dead and you won't even know me in our next world. I can see you but you are never in my sight and you never saw me properly. I say hello behind your back and my hands are shaking. I wish that you can listen to me when the world is incapable of hearing me. Yes, I do believe that love for a child is only a satisfaction  but not real love. I really do want a lot of satisfaction even though it's not a real love, I want to have you, I want you to look at me and only me. This is crazy. Everybody sometimes becomes crazy don't they? So I guess it's my turn to be crazy.

Ah... Valentine's day!

I've been in a group called the 'Couple's Group' for a month and it was pretty awesome to be in that group but once I was secluded from that group, my life became harder than it used to be. Well, I can endure it but everywhere, they are saying 'Happy Valentine's day!' and i don't mean to condemn them for saying that but some people they ignorantly give out their gifts to their beloved someone purposely in front of those who are in the group of the solos. And it hurts more when you find out that your "crush" gave her gift to your friend and they are actually going out together...
Damn this cursed day and one day i shall make Valentine's day exist no more!

Another week begins and again it will end

Another week begins again tomorrow. Ordinary Monday and ordinary days without nothing achieved in my life...

It is so saddening that i can't do anything about what's going around the world.

They say small effort will do, but that means i need to give small efforts everyday and even if i do it everyday, the small effort will be wasted everyday, single day. Take beggars for examples. I used to give them about 1 peso or 4 when i see one and when i realized that they waste it on drugs or give it to the boss of some gang. That is really screwed up. Everyday, it never gets better but worse. Rather than making a progress, we are degenerating to a lower level everyday. 

another week ends...

So, another week has passed and nothing is achieved...
That's just great. Yes, it is just so f***ing great...
And whenever bad thing happens, it's always my fault and no one ever thinks why. It's because they take it for granted that i will just laugh away and live on with it.
I kept running away to achieve my goals and satisfy myself but whenever i look back, I'm always at the same point. Nothing has been achieved so i stopped running. I see people doing the same thing that i was doing. That's so stupid. They don't know that doing that doesn't make a progress. However, because of these stupid people, the world becomes a better place. If the intention of their run is good. That's what i feel during my exercise every night.

I know better that I have nothing to expect from the others

Letter to myself.


never dear me.

Not a very bad day huh?
well you expected too much from something you knew that there won't be nothing much.
you know very well that you can never be there and you knew that long time ago

don't know what to do now

I had this certain feeling that I should be the judge that will not be blinded. However, now my oath is being shaken. I worry about the future. Even if i get my ass to studying like hell, the competition rate goes higher everyday and the economy is going off to someplace which i really don't understand. How will i ever be in peace with such an obscure future ahead of all of the people. With this, mankind is going to be ruined in a matter of few years. So what can i do? nothing.

Wow! It's been a long time since i wrote this thing!

hi everybody!!!!