My responsibilities

I have my freedoms, and I know that I must oblige to my duties and responsibilities. Yes, I enjoy my freedoms and I remind myself to oblige to the consequences. One day, I started to forget what I was doing was consequences for my freedom. Today, I finally got to remember that there was no absolute freedom and absolute responsibilities. My screwed up ideas made me incapable of understanding anything, more over, myself. I didn't understand why I was thinking this way where I am thinking the other way around now. I started to forget my responsibilities and it was harder because I know that in my head that I should not be doing it but my heart says that it was okay for me to break some rules and be a loser that I always hated. It really sucks and by now I may be really be screwed up by now and I really hate myself. Without knowing, I had turned out to be a loser that developed some useless self-defense instinct to get away and brainwashing myself that I did nothing wrong it was the world that was wrong. I never blamed myself, I always blamed other people so that I won't get in trouble like those losers in our school that always getting involved in some bad things but no one knows it and cares about it so they blame the system and the world itself. Little do they know that it was only them who was wrong and not others. Only now that I realize that I was just like them. And I also remember now that I have written some things like this so many times in my life and never made any changes in me, so I'm not going to say I'll change because I don't want to lie to myself and to others. I'm not also going to say something so reptilian as I never said I won't change. For I'm really unable to believe all other people including myself that I'm not lying. I'm also wondering if my responsibility is not to get mad at something because I have been doing that for very long time and I'm keeping everything inside me and just waiting for it to calm down when I'm doing something else. Is it really my responsibility to think about all these things so that it won't be a bother to other people? Is keep doubting really going to help? Is my responsibilities really enough to cover up my freedom? I don't know... I keep doubting, I can't trust people including myself, I don't know what to do, and I feel so sorry that I was even living without any thoughts of responsibilities and duty in my mind. Tell me what is right or what is wrong because I can't judge anything right now and I'm really starting to lose my mind.