Well some people just need to win all the time don't they?

I see some people arguing or trying to persuade me. No matter how hard I try, to deny their ideas, they need to just keep on saying the same thing with the reasons I just simply can't accept. Maybe it's just that they have this duty to persuade people to believe what they believe. If that is so, they should go to church and be a pastor or a priest. Well they always persuade people to believe Christianity or make them believe that there actually is hell or heaven as if they've really been there. Well people just need to persuade others don't they? To be frank, I really hate those kind of people who tries to suppress other's ideas and make them believe what they want others to believe. Not knowing that it was the idea that led people in to the ways of slavery that everybody thinks wrong right now. So what I'm saying is that we need to understand what others are believing and respect it. Okay, they don't believe in Christ, let them be. If they believe in Christ, Let them be. Let them believe what they want to believe. Is it so hard?

Summing up the week's events....

This week was supposed to be a happy and celebrating week and it was... partially...
To think about it, It's all my fault that everything went up to this level. Monday was fine, Tuesday was okay... but Wednesday, a day before Tom Noh's birthday, I screwed up and made everybody screwed. I blame myself for this. I can't say anything if someone said it was all my fault that this week was screwed week for them. Damn... well eventually it got better and I still feel bad about it but I'm sure I'll get over it. So this week, I've learned many things that I can't really share to public and it was very meaningful. So have a great weekend to all!

My responsibilities

I have my freedoms, and I know that I must oblige to my duties and responsibilities. Yes, I enjoy my freedoms and I remind myself to oblige to the consequences. One day, I started to forget what I was doing was consequences for my freedom. Today, I finally got to remember that there was no absolute freedom and absolute responsibilities. My screwed up ideas made me incapable of understanding anything, more over, myself. I didn't understand why I was thinking this way where I am thinking the other way around now. I started to forget my responsibilities and it was harder because I know that in my head that I should not be doing it but my heart says that it was okay for me to break some rules and be a loser that I always hated. It really sucks and by now I may be really be screwed up by now and I really hate myself. Without knowing, I had turned out to be a loser that developed some useless self-defense instinct to get away and brainwashing myself that I did nothing wrong it was the world that was wrong. I never blamed myself, I always blamed other people so that I won't get in trouble like those losers in our school that always getting involved in some bad things but no one knows it and cares about it so they blame the system and the world itself. Little do they know that it was only them who was wrong and not others. Only now that I realize that I was just like them. And I also remember now that I have written some things like this so many times in my life and never made any changes in me, so I'm not going to say I'll change because I don't want to lie to myself and to others. I'm not also going to say something so reptilian as I never said I won't change. For I'm really unable to believe all other people including myself that I'm not lying. I'm also wondering if my responsibility is not to get mad at something because I have been doing that for very long time and I'm keeping everything inside me and just waiting for it to calm down when I'm doing something else. Is it really my responsibility to think about all these things so that it won't be a bother to other people? Is keep doubting really going to help? Is my responsibilities really enough to cover up my freedom? I don't know... I keep doubting, I can't trust people including myself, I don't know what to do, and I feel so sorry that I was even living without any thoughts of responsibilities and duty in my mind. Tell me what is right or what is wrong because I can't judge anything right now and I'm really starting to lose my mind.

Need for changes

Somebody has told me this. You are not the one who is wrong, but it's the world that is wrong. When I was young I didn't believe it, but after about 2 years, I finally understand what it means. It meant that I'm always the same person but the world these days changes almost every seconds. A new trends changes in to fads in a matter of days and a good music gets a bad ratings when the trend is over. I don't know how others will accept it or interpret it, but that's what I believe. However changing is meaningful because there are good sides and bad sides. The good sides of changing is change of things, inanimate object, that was really really bad, for examples, policy about the poor people or the rocky road renovated to a new clean road. The bad sides of change is change in personality and other changes about animate things such as people's emotions or ideas. The changes of ideas makes people really different, makes others really hard to adjust. This change might even cause to extreme disasters which can leave incense feelings to all other people. So, my question is, why were you changed? It was so hard to believe it that I thought I changed to look at you in that way. But I'm still the same and it turns out that you have changed. Does it mean that I need to change in order to see you in a way i saw you before? Then perhaps i need a change of my life.

Persecution

The weekend is near once again and at least I was able to achieve something even though not many people will recognize it and will even say that was so stupid of me and stuff, I know I've achieved something. I was able to go until the second round 4th place. However, only until 3rd place was accepted as qualifiers for the next round. It was such a shame and good experience. The sad thing about not winning the competition is that even though I study really hard and bring my brains to the limit, if I don't win, no one will ever recognize my hard work and even curse me for not winning the competition. Seriously, they don't have the right to tell me those things. Surely I was the one who failed to achieve victory in the competition, but they say it like it doesn't really require much work and that makes me so irritated. At least I can say thank you when they say "It's okay let's hope to win next time".
They have no right to curse me at all. If I suck that much, you should go to the competition and be the winner yourself. Well, I guess that's life. People stepping on another people to feel good about themselves and be the top in the end. And I really hate sunday if you know what I mean Ms.Mae!

You'll never be mine but...

You don't know me. You only know that I exist on this earth and my name. You don't understand how much I love you and care for you but you'll never be mine. You won't even be able to see me and I won't be even if I'm dead and you won't even know me in our next world. I can see you but you are never in my sight and you never saw me properly. I say hello behind your back and my hands are shaking. I wish that you can listen to me when the world is incapable of hearing me. Yes, I do believe that love for a child is only a satisfaction  but not real love. I really do want a lot of satisfaction even though it's not a real love, I want to have you, I want you to look at me and only me. This is crazy. Everybody sometimes becomes crazy don't they? So I guess it's my turn to be crazy.

Ah... Valentine's day!

I've been in a group called the 'Couple's Group' for a month and it was pretty awesome to be in that group but once I was secluded from that group, my life became harder than it used to be. Well, I can endure it but everywhere, they are saying 'Happy Valentine's day!' and i don't mean to condemn them for saying that but some people they ignorantly give out their gifts to their beloved someone purposely in front of those who are in the group of the solos. And it hurts more when you find out that your "crush" gave her gift to your friend and they are actually going out together...
Damn this cursed day and one day i shall make Valentine's day exist no more!

Another week begins and again it will end

Another week begins again tomorrow. Ordinary Monday and ordinary days without nothing achieved in my life...

It is so saddening that i can't do anything about what's going around the world.

They say small effort will do, but that means i need to give small efforts everyday and even if i do it everyday, the small effort will be wasted everyday, single day. Take beggars for examples. I used to give them about 1 peso or 4 when i see one and when i realized that they waste it on drugs or give it to the boss of some gang. That is really screwed up. Everyday, it never gets better but worse. Rather than making a progress, we are degenerating to a lower level everyday. 

another week ends...

So, another week has passed and nothing is achieved...
That's just great. Yes, it is just so f***ing great...
And whenever bad thing happens, it's always my fault and no one ever thinks why. It's because they take it for granted that i will just laugh away and live on with it.
I kept running away to achieve my goals and satisfy myself but whenever i look back, I'm always at the same point. Nothing has been achieved so i stopped running. I see people doing the same thing that i was doing. That's so stupid. They don't know that doing that doesn't make a progress. However, because of these stupid people, the world becomes a better place. If the intention of their run is good. That's what i feel during my exercise every night.

I know better that I have nothing to expect from the others

Letter to myself.


never dear me.

Not a very bad day huh?
well you expected too much from something you knew that there won't be nothing much.
you know very well that you can never be there and you knew that long time ago

don't know what to do now

I had this certain feeling that I should be the judge that will not be blinded. However, now my oath is being shaken. I worry about the future. Even if i get my ass to studying like hell, the competition rate goes higher everyday and the economy is going off to someplace which i really don't understand. How will i ever be in peace with such an obscure future ahead of all of the people. With this, mankind is going to be ruined in a matter of few years. So what can i do? nothing.

Wow! It's been a long time since i wrote this thing!

hi everybody!!!!