Ummm... what am I doing...?

I was playing Assassin's Creed 2 (which was out about more than 3 years ago) and now I'm  writing my blog. Well, I guess it's time for me to re-think about my past lives. First of all, I'm the eldest child in my family and the first grandson of my grandparents... Which means I get high expectations from my family members and sometimes pressured by it. Also I have a very sensitive mind that I get easily hurt like last time I broke up with a girl ended in disaster. I lost my appetite for more than 3 months, I still had to keep my grades higher than before and I still needed to concentrate on many things that required a lot of mental and physical energy. Well what do I get from all those? Obviously it's stress. A huge amount of stress. That got me so far to say that I've started to think that I should end my life at the moment. The part that I got in a conflict was the sense of responsibilities and world wide crisis. I had the responsibilities to do my duties as a human being, as a son and as a goddamn student. And the world doesn't really need many people right now because the more people there is, the higher the level of competition. Now from that point, I thought, 'Why do I even have to live since the world doesn't really need me?' kind of shits. On the other hand I thought I should live up to what other people demands. Keeping other's demand was what drove to live at that time so it was a very difficult dilemma for me. It was always about others for me wasn't it? Trying to give people what they want, which is only high grades, not getting into any troubles? Well that certainly went well and still they are not satisfied. So now what? Whatever I'd tell them to fuck themselves since you are never satisfied. It was such a hard time indeed. After the hard times, I told the world this,"Whatever, go fuck yourself. I don't care what you become. You just can't stop fucking yourself can't you? Well that's too bad because you are the world that is full of assholes with no dicks between their legs." and now, I am not living at all. It's just me tic-toking like a toy trying my best to make people happy which they will never gain from me.

What to do... what to do...

Now... what to do? Oh that's right... I got to study like always...

Living is not living

Every people on earth would probably be living for something. Their goals, achievements, past, future, present and another more either acceptable or unacceptable reasons are why people are even living on this world. But I came to doubt what am I living by and my answer was that I was living for the duty not because I really want to. I can't even kill myself because I know that I can live like this because of the very slim chance, which the probability is even less than thousand billions to one. I'm living a way better life than the majority of the people in Africa and if I die, that would be too selfish. I think even this kind of thought that I want to die is already deserves a criticism for those other people. But what is life without any purpose and living not for myself but others? I am not satisfied with my life and I can't even fully fulfill my duty. If I was fulfilling my duty which I was living for, I would be the happiest man on earth because i have reached the purpose of my life but now I finally realize that a person that can fulfill my duty was a god. Almighty and all-knowing god can fulfill any tasks and do anything. I am not a god but just a mere human with too many flaws and my death wouldn't even be that evident in the world. Then why did I come through all those slim chances? Nothing is impossible? Well, fuck that. No one can be a god even after the end of time, no one can be god. And me... what am I? Do I have power to influence people? Do I have the knowledge or the means to work the world? The answers are no. Clearly no. It really sounds pathetic myself but it really is how the shit has been going for so long.

people around

The doubt sometimes makes people go crazy. And when that happens it's hard for someone to rely on anyone even themselves. However, there are people around them, who makes them laugh when they lost meaning to it all, they give the reason to live. It took me so much time to figure that out. We live not only for ourselves but also with other people who believes in us and we are meant to be a reason to live for them. The only thing that was about ourselves was breathing. Even studying, we do it ultimately for other people who are in need and who love us. Though I'm not sure if they really love us. But I believe if we love them enough, they will give us the love we deserve.

wait... those things I've written are so unlike me...
when did I become we?
when did someone ever love us?
when will someone ever love us?
when did i start believing in mankind?

Yes I am changing and growing.
Although it feels like it was too late to figure these out.

Everybody's rushing!

End of the 3rd quarter is approaching, in fact, it is only about three days left. It means that all the projects are at its deadlines. It really is hard to cram and everybody needs to prepare for the quarterly exam. However, I can relax about math because it always was a easy subject for me and further more, I'm exempted from the quarterly exam due to our competition in MTAP. Now, most of the projects are done and i just need to study for my most difficult subject, Social studies! For Science, I just need a calculator and that's it. However Social studies, it requires a lot of memorization and concepts of many ideas. I don't have problems in interpreting ideas but memorization is my real problem. It really is getting hard for me to memorize something. At least in math, if your base is tight, you can figure out so many things by just learning one thing. Social studies... I will get more than 90 percent with you! HAHAHAHAHA! World domination!!!

Stop being greedy for power people!

Greediness... It is one of the factors that drove mankind this far and also the factor that destroys people's morality. It's so ironic that people wants to do those things even though they know that it isn't the right thing to do. From this some may say that people's desire beats people's morality. For power, they will do anything regardless of how evil what they do. That's what I used to believe and there's no doubt about this belief. But if we get powerful enough to overcome this greed for power, won't the world be a better place to live?

Another quarter exam

It only feels like yesterday that the 3rd quarter started and yet, the quarterly exam is already just a few steps more... Ah to be frank, I dislike studying on my own. I just don't like sitting on a chair all alone and answer problems. What fun is that? I really got to study for the quarterly exam, but it seems like my bad habit isn't going to just walk away on its own.